FFTs - What they Are and How to Cope

Mar 27

3 min read

By now y'all should know I love me some Brené Brown. She was the first soul guide I claimed in my healing journey/spiritual awakening. So is it really a surprise that she would come up in pretty much all that I do these days?

In addition to coaching clients and maintaining a full time massage practice at a local studio, I do weekly podcast episodes and collaborate with three other coaches. We have a thing called Permission Slip Granted, you should check it out because it's pretty amazing if I do say so myself. One of the new things we are tackling is group coaching workshops.

We started things off with a 6 week divorce workshop and sometime in the last few weeks I brought up this episode of Brené Brown’s podcast on FFTs (Fucking First Times). I love listening to this episode recorded at the beginning of lockdown 2020, knowing how many FFTs were coming down the pike (for Brené and for everyone else). But we did it y'all! And we continue to do the hard things. But I digress, in her episode she explores how uncomfortable and overwhelming it feels to navigate something new, from bangs to mastering a Peleton. She emphasizes that first times are always hard because they push us out of our comfort zones, making us feel vulnerable and unprepared. Our initial response when something is outside of comfort zones looks a bit like this, at least for me it does...

Obvs that is not the best way to move through a life. I mean sometimes I have definitely run away, we all have. Yes even you, I see you. So what do we do with these FFTs, especially when we entered a chapter of our life that is overflowing with them? You know, like a divorce or a move or a new school or a new career. You get the point.

There is a reason that our main family mantra is "Do It Scared". Me and my boys have this tattooed to the inside of our eyelids. As three AuDHD people there are so many scary things out there for us to tackle. But I get it, just saying the words aren't enough to get you going down the FFT path. Here's what has worked for me:

1. Deep breathing - First step is taking a breath to steady myself, especially if I am caught off guard and doing an FFT on the fly.

2. Review Track Record - Reviewing all the FFTs I have tackled things in the past is very helpful. Notice that I didn't say reviewing the wins, because the outcome doesn't matter in that moment. I've got to get the shit done before I can analyze success.

3. Talk about it - So crucial! Especially for the boys I am raising. Getting them to open up about the struggle, making it normal to talk about feelings and issues, that is best shown to them through modeling it myself.

If you need some other ideas, Brené shared her strategy for handling FFTs:

1. Naming It – Acknowledge that you're in an FFT and that discomfort is normal.

2. Normalizing It – Recognize that struggle is part of growth; everyone goes through this.

3. Putting It in Perspective – This phase won’t last forever; you’ll get better with time.

Since leaving the religious cult where I spent most of my life, there are been so many firsts. Let me share some of them with you from a place of letting you see I am human just like you, at times struggling through this journey of life: leaving the religious organization, coming out as Pansexual, being brave enough to start the divorce conversation, that first outing just me and the boys, entering the world of Non Monogamy, moving three times, getting fired, leaving behind corporate 'Murica, getting my own place at 40 (yup - hadn't been on my own before that), putting myself through school and the list could go on and on...

So now what??? Let's recap what I have learned from experience and from Brené:

Start by embracing whatever new chapter you find yourself facing
Acknowledge the uncertainty
Remember that while the discomfort is temporary your growth is inevitable
Recognize the awkwardness and discomfort that are present in these growth moments; see them as tools showing you the way forward
Give yourself and others compassion and grace
Don't be afraid to fuck it up. I mean, it's in the name FFT