Loving Outside the Lines

Monogamy isn’t the default for everyone. And for some of us? It never really fit—we just didn’t know there were other options.

This month, in the spirit of Pride and permission and blazing your own damn trail, I want to talk about something close to my heart: ethical non-monogamy & polyamory.

Maybe you’ve heard of it. Maybe you’re living it. Maybe you’ve quietly wondered if it’s something you could explore, but shoved that curiosity back down because, well... fear.

Fear of judgment.

Fear of losing control.

Fear of what your mom’s going to say (lol, hi, trauma brain).

Fear of being too much—or not enough.

I get it. I’ve lived it.

I was raised in a system where love was conditional. Where the end goal was one man, one woman, one eternal kingdom. Anything outside of that? Hellfire and shame.

But the truth I’ve come to know is this:

Love is not scarce.

People are not property.

And freedom isn’t selfish—it’s sacred.

So what is ENM, really?

But let’s pause here for a second—because a lot of folks hear “non-monogamy” and immediately think it’s all orgies and chaos and commitment issues.

Let me be super fucking clear:

Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) is not just about sex.

It’s about honesty.

Consent.

Sovereignty.

Choice.

It’s about moving through the world knowing you don’t own your partner—and they don’t own you. Finding freedom in acknowledging that for the most fulfilled and authentic life one may need multiple relationships—and instead of resenting that, you build agreements that honor the truth of your humanness.

Do some people explore ENM solely for sexual freedom? Fuck yes—and good for them. Sex is sacred. Pleasure is powerful. If you’re ethically navigating multiple sexual connections with clear communication and respect? I see that as a strength, not a flaw.

But putting pressure on one person to be your soulmate, best friend, co-parent, emotional support human, philosophical sparring partner, AND your hottest sexual connection? That’s a LOT. Honestly, it's too much for most humans to carry alone.

Enter Polyamory

ENM is the umbrella for non-monogamous connections, maybe relationships. Polyamory is having multiple committed, loving relationships. Many people (myself included) are drawn to the PolyAm life for reasons that go way beyond sex...

• Some of us are deeply relational. We love, big and wide.

• Some of us crave diversity in connection—we LIVE the belief: “I don’t expect one person to meet every need in my life (physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, energetic, or spiritual)—and that’s not a failure. That’s human.”

• Some of us believe that partnership is about expansion, not ownership.

In both ENM and Polyamory, your relationship structure is something you design on purpose—not a default you inherit.

• It doesn’t mean it’s easy. It’s about love that is designed intentionally.

• It doesn’t mean it’s always neat. It’s about the freedom to say, “This is who I am, and this is what I need.”

• It does mean every relationship is built on consent, with a full-bodied YES, with truth and choice; not on fear, tradition, or obligation.

And that is powerful as hell.

Because loving outside the lines? That shit is beautiful and brave—but also messy, raw, and full of growth edges. It asks you to unlearn everything the world told you about love, worth, and possession. It asks you to communicate better than you ever thought possible. And it asks you to do it scared—again and again.

🌈 My Path to Polyamory

Around the time I started my healing journey, I began cultivating a strong village—a group of people who made me feel emotionally safe, seen, and deeply supported. These were platonic connections (this was still deep in Mormon territory), but the love? It went soul-deep.

The makeup of that “village” changed as people moved, life shifted, etc.—but there were always a few people in my orbit who met different emotional and connection needs. And I thrived in that ecosystem despite the controlling confines of Mormonism.

I won’t shit talk my ex. In fact, by ex-Mormon standards? I hit the jackpot. We had a decent marriage—one built on deep friendship and mutual respect. But as our paths began to diverge, it became clear: we were no longer a good fit.

I found myself craving emotional, intellectual, and yes—romantic and sexual—connection with others. And when I finally left the church and came out as pansexual? It was like FREEDOM rained down from the sky.

Suddenly, there were options.

Navigating the opening of a marriage is hard as hell—especially when both people aren’t wired the same way. My ex was a monogamy-minded guy. That worked for him. But for me? I need more than one relationship. Not out of lack—but because my love, my needs, my energy? They’re abundant. I need someone to hold me through a meltdown, someone to passionately debate the meaning of life with, someone to sing Wicked with at full volume, and someone to ravage me like I’m magic.

And honestly? I’m not asking one person to be all of that. That’s the whole point.

So yeah, I’m polyamorous.

I have more than one partner.

I believe in sovereignty, honesty, and big fucking love.

And I’m not here to convert anyone or hand out pamphlets. I’m just here to say—this is possible.

📚 Don’t Just Take My Word for It — Let’s Bring in the Heavyweights

If you’re curious about the deeper psychology and cultural context of non-monogamy, you need to read PolySecure by Jessica Fern.

She’s a psychotherapist, trauma specialist, and relationship coach who wrote this book to help people in non-traditional relationships build secure attachment—because yes, you can be poly and securely attached.

In one chapter, Fern breaks down what Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) actually is and how it’s emerged alongside other cultural shifts since the sexual revolution in the 1960s—when we began questioning our assumptions around race, gender, class, sexuality, and family.

And you know it’s good when Esther Perel gets quoted.

(Seriously, bless you Esther. 💋)

Perel reminds us that even the traditional idea of “family” has evolved.

We now have blended families. Single-parent homes. Chosen families.

We have stepparents, surrogates, and donors.

But what hasn’t changed?

Yeah. That part.

Then Fern drops some stats that make you rethink everything you thought you knew about “normal” relationships. Especially the myth that monogamy = stability.

She points out that a huge number of people in monogamous relationships are still engaging in non-monogamous behavior—just not ethically or transparently. 👀

💣 “Non-Monogamy Just Doesn’t Work”... Oh Really?

Ever hear that line?“Non-monogamy just doesn’t work.”

Yeah, me too. Many, many times.

But let me ask: doesn’t work… compared to what?

What metrics are we using?

Because if “works” means fidelity, mutual happiness, and staying together forever…

Esther Perel herself says it best:

With divorce rates hovering around 40–50%, and surveys showing 30–60% of married men and 20–50% of married women admit to cheating, we need to ask:

What’s really not working here?

And who decided one-size-fits-all was the gold standard?

Non-monogamy might be trending now, but it’s been around for centuries—practiced quietly in communities long excluded from mainstream approval. And unlike cheating, CNM/ENM is grounded in values like:

• Radical honesty

• Informed consent

• Ongoing communication

• Autonomy and agency

• Secure attachment

• Emotional transparency

• Personal growth and accountability

I don’t know about you, but that list sounds amazing to experience with any partner—much less multiple.

🔥 Before You Go—A Few Truth Bombs

Let's also get clear on a few truth bombs:

• Polyamory takes way more work than one relationship.

• It’s all about communication. (No really—like obscene amounts of it.)

• The biggest hurdle? Scheduling. Because let’s be real—we’re all juggling life, kids, distance, passion projects, and the occasional breakdown.

But even with all the chaos and mess? I fucking love my life.

It’s real. It’s honest. It’s not tidy.

And every connection I have is built on mutual choice.

That’s what loving outside the lines means to me.

So this Pride Month, let this be your reminder:

You get to define what love looks like.

You get to choose your relationships—not because they look “normal,” but because they feel true.

You get to ask for more, hold boundaries, explore desire, navigate discomfort, and show the hell up for yourself and your people.

You don’t have to force yourself to fit a mold that was never made for you.

Love isn’t a box to check.

It’s a life to build.

💭 Reflection Prompt:

What have you been taught about love that no longer serves you?

And what might be possible if you let yourself unlearn it?

Feel free to share your reflection if you feel so inspired.

Be strong. Do it scared. 💜